An open letter to HRH The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge

Dear Will and Kate

I gather, despite having no interest in these things whatsoever, that the popular press has published pictures of Kathy topless while you were on yet another holiday somewhere. The offending shots are now due to appear in some Irish tabloid tomorrow, and this has prompted one of “your” people (strictly speaking our people, but I’ll come back to that) to squeal about this decision being motivated by “greed”. The notion of being lectured on greed, of all things, by you people nearly made me crash the car.

Willy and Kitty, sit down and let me explain a few things to you, since you plainly don’t understand either how the world works, or your place within it. You make the mistake typical of those with entitlement issues, of not knowing just how easy you’ve got it. You see we - I - the British taxpayer, own you. The non-stop holidays, the cars, the houses, the food, the clothes, the flunkies, you yourselves - we pay for it all. They belong to us, and frankly, so do you. That makes you our semi-trained comedy monkey, our plaything, whose mere function is to entertain and amuse us. To be honest, you bore me rigid, but I know you sell newspapers and magazines to the little people. Once you stop doing even that, even they might start wondering what use you are, and trade you in for that chocolate teapot.

If it were up to me, I’d enforce your contractual terms a little further. Do away with all this “privacy” nonsense, for one thing. You have no more right to privacy than a goldfish, and I think we who own you are entitled to know, and to see, what you’re up to every second of every day. Every time one of you laughs, cries, eats, drinks, takes a shit, swears, whatever - I want our all-seeing eye there to capture it for us to see, should we so choose.

Of course the free availability of such horrors might negatively impact your value to legacy media like the celebrity mags and the tabloid press. But then again, that’s the internet for you, as the proprietors of such organs are learning to their cost. If you weren’t such an unholy union of chancers and the in-bred, you might understand that the motivation for publishing pictures of either or both of you isn’t greed, it’s shareholder value. Tits, bollocks, Nazi uniforms, the pension funds don’t care as long as the circus keeps going. It’s capitalism, baby. Look it up.

Now get back to your holiday and stop whining.